This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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