i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
