I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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