i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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