He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
