how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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