can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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