You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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