Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
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i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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