pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
