Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
