The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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