I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
