You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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