I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just cropdusted the office
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
