I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
