the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
