I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
