The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
