I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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