drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
