yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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