At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
