if i can run in heels then i can drive
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
