I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
