wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
