he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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