you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
