I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
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