I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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