There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You need Xanax blowdarts
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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