if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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