Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just found puke in my bra..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
