I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
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when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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