Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
