my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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