went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
