So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
