i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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