He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
