I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
