just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
