Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize