I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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