I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
