Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
