my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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