Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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