I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed