It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
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MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!