Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.