i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
