I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
