remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The uberlube is also flammable
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
