Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.