Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.