Where is the hickey?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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