My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
handjob tips. give me some.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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