it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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