there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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